After a failed attempt to kill himself, it took guts for professional referee Nigel Owens to come out in the rough, tough world of rugby. But, he tells Patrick Barkham, he was surprised by the reaction
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Early one morning, Nigel Owens scrawled a note saying he "just couldn't deal with it any more" and crept out of his parent's house. Fat, lonely, bulimic, addicted to steroids and secretly gay, Owens climbed high above the Welsh valley where he grew up and waited for the sleeping pills to take hold. He has no memory of being saved but was spotted and taken to hospital by a police helicopter. If his rescuers had arrived half an hour later, he would have been dead.
Nearly 13 years on, Owens is not fat, or bulimic and certainly not on steroids. Most notably, his sexuality is no longer a secret. This is a big deal because Owens is an international rugby union referee. Being a referee is a lonely job; being the only professional - player or ref - brave enough to be openly gay must be lonelier still on rugby union's pitches. And Owens is not just an exception in rugby; apart from the tennis player Amélie Mauresmo, virtually no international gay or lesbian sports star still playing has publicly discussed their sexuality. The few who do, such as basketballer John Amaechi and footballer Justin Fashanu, who later killed himself, only came out after retiring.
Being open about his sexuality has done Owens no harm. Enjoying his 21st season as a ref, he is a television personality in Wales and has just published his autobiography in his native Welsh. "When I came out, it took a lot of weight off my shoulders that I was accepted, that I was gay and it made no difference," he explains, sounding and looking like any of the casually dressed sportsmen who pad around the country house hotel near Cardiff where we meet. "My refereeing improved because I was happy and my career took off."
Owens is 37 and it took 20 years before he could tell people about his sexuality. Raised in the village of Mynyddcerrig in Carmarthenshire, he played rugby and dated girls. It was only in his late teens that he realised he was attracted to men. He fought his feelings. "I didn't want to be gay," he says. "It was frightening. Coming from this old-fashioned, close-knit community, I didn't really know what a gay person was or looked like. I remember walking into town and making a point of going to a hairdresser's window to see if I could see a gay person there."
Owens wanted to be a farmer. "If you haven't got a farm it's virtually impossible to buy one unless you married into a family and I wasn't going to marry a farmer's daughter," he laughs. He was never much of a rugby player, he says, and stumbled into refereeing after he botched a last-minute penalty for his school team. "The sports teacher said, 'Go and referee or something, will you?' and that's what I did. All by chance. And that changed the course of my life."
Owens began refereeing locally, while working as a technician in a school. Aged 19, he lost four stone in three months. "I would eat too much and then I'd make myself sick, knowing that if I made myself sick I could eat something else," he says. So he started doing weights - and steroids. "I was addicted to them because I'd put muscle on and I didn't want to lose it. I was so low on confidence at that time, being gay and not wanting to be," he says. "It was all linked up and the steroids made me depressed and short-tempered. It was a cocktail that just exploded."
He was 24 when he tried to kill himself. "That makes me feel so ashamed and angry with myself. I can't imagine what my parents went through for those hours until I was found." Owens kicked steroids and began to progress as a referee. Seven years ago, he became one of Wales's first three professional referees. But he would still avoid being seen out with men.
Until he came out in 2007, his fear sabotaged his relationships. "I didn't want players or spectators or anyone to know because I was scared of it," he says. "Would I get abused? Would I be able to continue as a referee?"
With all that physical contact on the field and naked drinking japes off it, rugby might seem obviously homoerotic. But even though Owens admits his first sexual experience was connected to rugby, he isn't so sure. Its straight stars, however, are increasingly exhibitionist. The Stade Français rugby team has produced a calendar of naked players every year since 2001. French national fly-half Frédéric Michalak has appeared on the cover of Attitude magazine. Happily married England international Ben Cohen last year organised a reception for his gay fans. "My impression is that it would be fine to be able to come out in rugby," Cohen said.
Would it really? Owens refereed in the rugby world cup last year and has been encouraged by the sport's reaction to his sexuality. He says he has never suffered discrimination. "Hand on heart," he declares, he has not heard any homophobic abuse from rugby crowds either. "I've heard the odd comment like 'We've got the bent referee today' and everybody laughs because they think the referee is bent because he's going to award tries to the home side. That's a joke and banter. You laugh about it and that's the best way to deal with it."
It is certainly hard to imagine a footballer responding like international hooker Barrie Williams apparently did, shaking Owens's hand and telling him that he was brave and honest. Fellow refs have been "very supportive". But then Owens mentions that one or two "told other people they don't want to be involved in a game with me, they don't want to travel away with me". Really? "It's probably just two out of a few hundred. I'd rather them not come if that's the way they feel," he shrugs.
Owens hopes his example might help young people who are troubled by their sexuality. "People, especially children, still see somebody who is gay as somebody who is camp." Like Daffyd, Matt Lucas's village-dwelling "homosexualist"? "Exactly. And like the character Sean Tully [played by Antony Cotton] on Coronation Street," he says. "Since my book came out, I've been replying to messages on Facebook from people who were glad there was someone they could think of as ... a role model. I had an email from a rugby-playing guy in his early 20s who is gay but has been hiding it. After reading this he decided to tell his friends, and they have been great with it."
Why are so few professional sports stars open about their sexuality? Owens says he does not know any gay rugby stars. Wouldn't he like to see some coming out? "It's important they do it for the right reasons. I had to do it because I wasn't happy in my life. I wasn't comfortable. I was trying to be somebody I was not," he says. "I'm sure there must be people involved in any professional sport who are gay. And when they do come out, it will be good for gay people who are finding it difficult."
He sees homophobia and the lack of gay role models in sport as comparable to the lack of respect for referees: it starts from the top. "It's the same as when you talk about abuse of match officials. There's no point trying to stamp it out in schools, because when pupils go home and watch Wayne Rooney or other players swearing at a referee, they are going to do it. So an example has got to be set at the top end of the game and then it will filter down."
The treatment of referees by players and fans is far worse in football than in rugby union and the idea of a gay football ref not being mercilessly abused still seems unlikely. Even so, Owens would like a crack at refereeing football after the rugby world cup in New Zealand in 2011. It may not be easy: although the FA will consider fast-tracking certain candidates, it takes more than 10 years for most refs to reach Premiership levels.
Owens is obviously a huge rugby fan. But does refereeing spoil his enjoyment of the sport? "It enhances it. You're part of it. If I'd been a player I would never have been good enough to play at the Millennium Stadium, where I refereed last year. That was a great experience. I tell young people, not everyone will play for their country but there could be an opportunity for you to referee for your country. That's probably the next best thing. For me it's the best thing."
First Published in The Guardian, Tuesday 6 January 2009
Early one morning, Nigel Owens scrawled a note saying he "just couldn't deal with it any more" and crept out of his parent's house. Fat, lonely, bulimic, addicted to steroids and secretly gay, Owens climbed high above the Welsh valley where he grew up and waited for the sleeping pills to take hold. He has no memory of being saved but was spotted and taken to hospital by a police helicopter. If his rescuers had arrived half an hour later, he would have been dead.
Nearly 13 years on, Owens is not fat, or bulimic and certainly not on steroids. Most notably, his sexuality is no longer a secret. This is a big deal because Owens is an international rugby union referee. Being a referee is a lonely job; being the only professional - player or ref - brave enough to be openly gay must be lonelier still on rugby union's pitches. And Owens is not just an exception in rugby; apart from the tennis player Amélie Mauresmo, virtually no international gay or lesbian sports star still playing has publicly discussed their sexuality. The few who do, such as basketballer John Amaechi and footballer Justin Fashanu, who later killed himself, only came out after retiring.
Being open about his sexuality has done Owens no harm. Enjoying his 21st season as a ref, he is a television personality in Wales and has just published his autobiography in his native Welsh. "When I came out, it took a lot of weight off my shoulders that I was accepted, that I was gay and it made no difference," he explains, sounding and looking like any of the casually dressed sportsmen who pad around the country house hotel near Cardiff where we meet. "My refereeing improved because I was happy and my career took off."
Owens is 37 and it took 20 years before he could tell people about his sexuality. Raised in the village of Mynyddcerrig in Carmarthenshire, he played rugby and dated girls. It was only in his late teens that he realised he was attracted to men. He fought his feelings. "I didn't want to be gay," he says. "It was frightening. Coming from this old-fashioned, close-knit community, I didn't really know what a gay person was or looked like. I remember walking into town and making a point of going to a hairdresser's window to see if I could see a gay person there."
Owens wanted to be a farmer. "If you haven't got a farm it's virtually impossible to buy one unless you married into a family and I wasn't going to marry a farmer's daughter," he laughs. He was never much of a rugby player, he says, and stumbled into refereeing after he botched a last-minute penalty for his school team. "The sports teacher said, 'Go and referee or something, will you?' and that's what I did. All by chance. And that changed the course of my life."
Owens began refereeing locally, while working as a technician in a school. Aged 19, he lost four stone in three months. "I would eat too much and then I'd make myself sick, knowing that if I made myself sick I could eat something else," he says. So he started doing weights - and steroids. "I was addicted to them because I'd put muscle on and I didn't want to lose it. I was so low on confidence at that time, being gay and not wanting to be," he says. "It was all linked up and the steroids made me depressed and short-tempered. It was a cocktail that just exploded."
He was 24 when he tried to kill himself. "That makes me feel so ashamed and angry with myself. I can't imagine what my parents went through for those hours until I was found." Owens kicked steroids and began to progress as a referee. Seven years ago, he became one of Wales's first three professional referees. But he would still avoid being seen out with men.
Until he came out in 2007, his fear sabotaged his relationships. "I didn't want players or spectators or anyone to know because I was scared of it," he says. "Would I get abused? Would I be able to continue as a referee?"
With all that physical contact on the field and naked drinking japes off it, rugby might seem obviously homoerotic. But even though Owens admits his first sexual experience was connected to rugby, he isn't so sure. Its straight stars, however, are increasingly exhibitionist. The Stade Français rugby team has produced a calendar of naked players every year since 2001. French national fly-half Frédéric Michalak has appeared on the cover of Attitude magazine. Happily married England international Ben Cohen last year organised a reception for his gay fans. "My impression is that it would be fine to be able to come out in rugby," Cohen said.
Would it really? Owens refereed in the rugby world cup last year and has been encouraged by the sport's reaction to his sexuality. He says he has never suffered discrimination. "Hand on heart," he declares, he has not heard any homophobic abuse from rugby crowds either. "I've heard the odd comment like 'We've got the bent referee today' and everybody laughs because they think the referee is bent because he's going to award tries to the home side. That's a joke and banter. You laugh about it and that's the best way to deal with it."
It is certainly hard to imagine a footballer responding like international hooker Barrie Williams apparently did, shaking Owens's hand and telling him that he was brave and honest. Fellow refs have been "very supportive". But then Owens mentions that one or two "told other people they don't want to be involved in a game with me, they don't want to travel away with me". Really? "It's probably just two out of a few hundred. I'd rather them not come if that's the way they feel," he shrugs.
Owens hopes his example might help young people who are troubled by their sexuality. "People, especially children, still see somebody who is gay as somebody who is camp." Like Daffyd, Matt Lucas's village-dwelling "homosexualist"? "Exactly. And like the character Sean Tully [played by Antony Cotton] on Coronation Street," he says. "Since my book came out, I've been replying to messages on Facebook from people who were glad there was someone they could think of as ... a role model. I had an email from a rugby-playing guy in his early 20s who is gay but has been hiding it. After reading this he decided to tell his friends, and they have been great with it."
Why are so few professional sports stars open about their sexuality? Owens says he does not know any gay rugby stars. Wouldn't he like to see some coming out? "It's important they do it for the right reasons. I had to do it because I wasn't happy in my life. I wasn't comfortable. I was trying to be somebody I was not," he says. "I'm sure there must be people involved in any professional sport who are gay. And when they do come out, it will be good for gay people who are finding it difficult."
He sees homophobia and the lack of gay role models in sport as comparable to the lack of respect for referees: it starts from the top. "It's the same as when you talk about abuse of match officials. There's no point trying to stamp it out in schools, because when pupils go home and watch Wayne Rooney or other players swearing at a referee, they are going to do it. So an example has got to be set at the top end of the game and then it will filter down."
The treatment of referees by players and fans is far worse in football than in rugby union and the idea of a gay football ref not being mercilessly abused still seems unlikely. Even so, Owens would like a crack at refereeing football after the rugby world cup in New Zealand in 2011. It may not be easy: although the FA will consider fast-tracking certain candidates, it takes more than 10 years for most refs to reach Premiership levels.
Owens is obviously a huge rugby fan. But does refereeing spoil his enjoyment of the sport? "It enhances it. You're part of it. If I'd been a player I would never have been good enough to play at the Millennium Stadium, where I refereed last year. That was a great experience. I tell young people, not everyone will play for their country but there could be an opportunity for you to referee for your country. That's probably the next best thing. For me it's the best thing."
First Published in The Guardian, Tuesday 6 January 2009
